Also thanks to Jim Jaszewski who did a great work editing my English.
This stories are not true.
- Hans Fogelmark
Next time you decide to put the jokes on the internet,
how about you write them in Swedish you dumb Norwegian bastard!
- Sten Sjøberg
Eh... I don't get it...
What's so funny?
Vi har n=E5gra v=E4ldigt, v=E4ldigt, v=E4ldigt roliga historier. Vi l=E4ste= dina p=E5 Internet.
-Vet du hur r=E4ddar man en norrman fr=E5n att drunkna?
-Vet du varf=F6r norrm=E4nnen inte har n=E5gra d=F6rrar p=E5 deras=
-F=F6r att ingen ska kolla genom nyckelh=E5let.
-Vet du varf=F6r norrm=E4nnen har runda hus?
-F=F6r att hundarna inte ska pissa p=E5 knutarna!!!
-Vet du vad norrm=E4nnen har f=F6r kartor i =F6knen?
Det var en g=E5ng tv=E5 svenskar och en norrman som skulle =E5ka flygplan.D= =E5 h=F6ll flygplanet p=E5 att st=F6rta och de hade bara tv=E5 fallsk=E4rmar.Norrmannen= tyckte att han var s=E5 viktig s=E5 att han tog en fallsk=E4rm och hoppade. D=E5 sa= den ene svensken: -Vad ska vi g=F6ra nu? -Vi hoppar,norrmanen tog min ryggs=E4ck.
Vi skriver fler en annan g=E5ng!!! Ciao,tv=E5 svenska tjejer.
Department of Medical Biochemistry and Biophysics
S-901 87 Ume=E5
var det inte Moltas Eriksson som en gang (tar inte våra trevliga bokstaever med ringar och prickar foer det klarar tydligen inte norska datorer) sjoeng "Norrmaen, Norrmaen är ett jaevla folk....? Jag haller med honom, underbart att unionen sprack.
This is the worst crock of shit I've ever read. And I didn't bother to read more than a few lines. Get this crap off the internet and back in the toilet where it belongs.
I'm a humorist.
See me at http://www.midcoast.com/~humblfmr/
80 of my TV scripts are on line.
Thanks for doing a great job.
St. George, ME 04857
Ar du fran finland, djavla nolla=BF
Varfor har du en finsk e-mail adress?
Vitsarna var val ratt sa kul, men de krtiserar varldens basta land Sverige!!!
/Jamtland rewlz Your humor is different but I can see where it would insult some people. You could actually put anyones country in them. I have enjoyed some of them, the ones I didnt care for I just jumped over. I see by the comments you got that they irritated some of your readers. However I hope you don't leave the internet.
Thanks for the chuckles melody
Once there was two Norwegian and a swedish testpilot who flew a SAAB- JAS fighter plane. Suddenly the plane caught fire and everyone realize that they'll have to bail out. The problem however seems to be that there are only two parachutes in the plane. The swede suddenly interrupts, "Intellektet mitt er for stort til at det kan gaa tapt. Jag tar den ena skjaarmen och hoppar." [My intellect is so big that it can't possibly be lost to mankind. I will take one of the parachutes.] Then he goes and the two Norwegians is left. "What are we going to do now?" one of them is asking. "Well, we'll just jump. The great intellect grabbed my back-sack."
The latest thing on the diet front in Sweden is the new "animal-cure", which is very popular in Sweden. In a short interview, the creator Lasse Gorth, gives us the answer to why he calls it the "animal-cure". "Yeah, well, the reason for that is very simple. You just have to eat like a fly and shit like an elephant."
The Swedish mountaineer Christer Olsson, has stated in a press-conference that his attempt to climb over the sound-barrier has failed again.
The Russians have found a new easy way to sink Swedish subs. The method is very simple, they just send a diver down to knock on the sub's hatch. Upon which the Swedes reply, "Kom inn" (Come in). After the diver has waited awhile he knocks again, and then the Swedes will open the hatch to see who it is.
There once was this Swede who after year of waiting, finally got to be lobotimized. But when the surgeon removed the top of his head, he found that there wasn't anything in there, except this little strand of thread. The surgeon didn't know what to do, so he cut off the tread. Guess what happened then???? The Swede's ears fell off...
Once there came a customer into the store and asked, "Kan jag få två smørgåssar?" (May I have two sandwitches). The store-clerk then asked, "Are you Swedish?" whereupon the customer said, " er det fordi jag sa 'smørgåssar de skjønnte at jag var svensk?" (is it because I said 'smørgåssar' i.e. the swedish word for sandwitch, you knew I was a Swede). The clerk made a cunning smirk, "no, it is because you're in a hardware store."
After travelling through Sweden last summer, I noticed that they had something written on the bottom of their soft drink bottles, "Åpnas på andra sidan" (Opens on the other end).
One foggy night off the southwestern coast of Norway, a Swedish battle
ship received a radio signal in Norwegian telling it to shift course 10
degrees to the west.
The Swedish captain bristled, and replied that the sender should shift HIS course 10 degrees to the east!
Moments later the reply came telling the Swedish ship to move 10 degrees to the west.
"I vil NOT!" screamed the captain. He turned to the radio operator and yelled, "Yu tell dat dumb norveegian to shift 10 degrees to da east!"
Again came the reply to the Swede to shift his course 10 degrees to the west.
By now the captain was livid, and he signaled "NOW YU LOOK HERE, I AM A CAPTAIN ON A SWEDISH BATTLE SHIP, AND I AM TELLING YU TO SHIFT YOUR COURSE 10 DEGREES TO THE EAST IF YU KNOW VAT'S GOOD FOR YU!"
Moments later came the reply: "Ja, vel I am at the Norveegian lighthouse and you vil shift 10 degrees to da vest, if yu know vat's good for yu!"
Two Swedes were in Norway on a visit and they were wondering about all
the beautiful buildings. One of the Swedes went over to a Norwegian and
asked how they managed to build such beautiful buildings. The Norwegian
brought the Swede to a wall and laid his hand on it. Then he asked the
Swede to hit it. First the Swede didn't want to, but then finally he hit
as hard as he was able to. The Norwegian quickly pulled his hand out of
the way and the Swede got all his knuckles smashed. The Norwegian said,
"It's a question of intelligence."
The Swede went back to his buddy who wondered if he'd gotten his question answered. - "Yes," the he answered and put his hand on his forehead, "Hit my hand!"..
Once there were two swedes who were called in for an IQ-test. The first swede went in to take the test, he got 2 points because he had come, 2 points because he had understood the letter and he got 2 points for being able to find his way to the place where the test was held. Yet, he was marked as a swede because he didn't know what IQ meant. Next, the other swede went into the room where the test was being held. He got the same number of points plus 2 extra points for knowing what IQ meant, and he got approved as 8 points was the minimum limit to pass the test. When he got out of the room he told his buddy, "Jag, er intelligent!" (I am intelligent), where upon his friend answered "Inte jag heller" (neither am I).
Did you ever hear about the swede who went ice-fishing and returned home with 10lbs of ice?
Did you ever hear about the swede who hijacked a submarine and asked for 100.00 Kronor in ransom and a parachute?
Then there's the story about the swede who was building himself a house. One of his friends came by and asked why the heck he threw away every second nail? "They have the nail-head in the wrong end", the man replied. His friend became furious with him and shouted, "How stupid can you get? Don't you realize that those nails were made to be used on the other side of the house???"
It was Olympics time and the Russians had sent their best man to compete in
the wrestling competition. This man was famous for one thing, and that was
the 'iron grip', if he got anyone into that grip, then they were as good
as dead-meat. The Swedes were studying video cuts of this wrestler, and it
dawned upon them, that if their competitor managed to avoid falling into this
'iron grip', they could win.
The best of the Swedes finally made it to the final, and so did the Russian. It started good, the Swede managing to get a in couple of points. Then when there was only a half minute left the Russian managed to get the Swede into his 'Iron Grip'. The Swedish coach walked depressedly back to the locker room. As he entered he heard the crowd roar outside "Sverige, Sverige, Sverige! ".
The wrestler entered the locker room cheering. The coach looked at him wonderingly, and asked, "How did you get out of the 'Iron-Grip'?" The wrestler was gasping air, "Well, as I was lying there, trying to get out of it, I saw these two nuts just hanging there in front of me, and I just thought: 'this is the Olympics; it is only held every 4th year; this is my big chance, it's now or never.' Soo, I put 'em in my mouth and bit as hard as I could.. and I can promise you one thing, if you bite your own balls that hard you can get out of any grip."
There were these two Swedish hunter-buddies who went to Norway and bought a "fågelhund" that is, a bird dog. Later they returned to Sweden to test the dog, but they were rather disappointed. Finally one of the guys said "We've been cheated, we might as well just give the dog away." The other Swede looked back at his buddy, "Yeah, we'll give him one more chance. Throw him up in the air again, and if he doesn't fly we'll just have to give him away to someone else."
There was this Norwegian who was on vacation 'over-there' in Florida.
All his life he'd wanted to have a pair of alligator-shoes, and now he
thought he would finally be able to get around to buying a pair. Gator
shoes are of course expensive, and haggling down the price didn't help.
Finally the Norwegian yelled out in anger, "Bare behold de elendige
skoene dine. Skal det være på den måten, skal jeg pinadø leie meg båt,
dra oppover sumpene her, fange meg en alligator og lage skoene
selv!!!!" (Sigh.. In English: Just keep your lousy shoes. If that's
how it's going to be then I'll just get myself a boat, go out into the
swamp, catch a gator and make my own shoes!).. The owner of the store
just looked stupidly at him, "Yeah, sure, and give my best regards to
the Swedes who're already up there trying to do what you just told me."
The Norwegian runs to a boat-rental and gets a boat, then he heads out
into the swamp
After a while he finds two Swedes standing up to their knees in the water. Both of them are holding a spear pointed at the water. "det må være svenskene." (that must be the Swedes) the Norwegian thinks. Suddenly there's a movement in the water and an alligator swims towards one of the Swedes. The Swede is standing there like a statue, just waiting for the big gator to get closer. When the gator is close by the Swede stick his spear into the gator, and with a bit of fighting he get's the beast onto the land, where there is a big pile of gators. The Swede turns the gator on his back and examines it's feet, and then finally utters, "Satan också! Inte sko på den haer heller." (Damn! No shoes on this one either!)..
A swede made a trip to New York and while standing in front of the Empire State building, he started to count all the floors. A policeman came by and thought to himself: "That one must be swedish" and decided to take advantage of him. He went up to him and said: "Do you know that it's illegal to count the floors on buildings in the United States?" The swede replied: "No sir, I did not." The police officer then said: "I'm afraid I'll have to charge you $10.00 per floor you counted." The swede then said: "Oh, I counted 50 floors sir." The police officer left, very happy. Then, a swedish comrad came along and asked what had just happened. His friend replied: "My, how these Americans are stupid! I told him that I had counted 50 floors when I had really counted 51!"
A swedish space-scientist came running into the office of his norwegian colleague. "The swedes will be the first to send a manned spaceship to the sun," he said. The norwegian colleague responded, "But the temperature will be millions of degrees there!" The swede stood there for a few seconds thinking, then he said, "Oh, don't worry, we will be landing during the night."
The swedish doctor was so afraid of bacteria, that he cooked his ice-cubes before he put them in his drink.
"This letter is too heavy," the post-clerk stated, "You will have to put on an additional stamp." The swede looked wonderingly at him, "Will it be lighter then?" he asked.
Two norwegians were telling swedish jokes. "Do you know how to save a swede from drowning?" the one said. "No," his friend said after a little while. The first norwegian grinned, "Oh, That's good."
A swedish road-worker was hired to paint the line that goes down the center of the road. The first day he managed to paint 2 kilometers, and his boss was very pleased. The next day he only painted 200 meters, but his boss thought that he'd probably started off too hard on the first day. But on the third day he was only able to paint 20 meters. The boss called him into the office and demanded an explanation. "Well, you see it's getting so darn far to walk all the way to the paint bucket," the swede explained.
One foggy evening two swedes went out walking. One of the swedes was holding a flashlight, and suddenly he said to his friend: "Why don't you just climb up this light-beam when I am holding the flashlight upwards like this?" His friend looked at him and answered, "No, I can't do that. Because if I did, you would just turn off the light, and I would fall down."
A swede was driving along an interstate-highway for the first time. As he was listening to the radio the music was suddenly interrupted by a warning message which said that there was a car driving the wrong way on the highway. "ONE?" the swede yells out, "there are several hundred of them out there!"
A norwegian drove into a swedish gas station, and wanted some help with his signal lights. After he'd changed the light-bulb, he asked the swede to check if it was blinking. The swede looked at it and said, "funkar, funkar inte, funkar, funkar inte. " (Works, doesn't work, works, doesn't work...)
A swede was asked if he had lived in Stockholm all his life. "Not yet," he answered.
There was a power failure in Stockholm, and hundreds of swedes were trapped in escalators.
There was a fire in the royal library in Sweden, and the king was utterly depressed because both books were burned and he'd only gotten around to painting in one of them.
There were these two swedish twins who looked so incredibly alike, that sometimes they borrowed money from each other without the other really knowing about it.
"Daddy, I'm pregnant," the daughter said. "Hey, wait a minute. Are you sure it's yours?" the swedish father responded.
In the washroom of all swedish resturants there is a sign saying, "Never throw your cigarette into the toilet. Remember that it is difficult to light up a wet cigarette.."
There was this swede who once got home and found his wife in bed with another man. He was so angry that he got a gun and pointed it to his own head. "NO! Don't do that," his wife begged. "Shut up woman! You'll be next," the angry swede replied.
There was this group of people on a tour-bus. The guide on the bus asked if anyone on the bus could tell the rest a joke, whereupon a guy got up and said that he could tell a swedish joke. Suddenly a woman in the back of the bus said, "No, don't do that. I'm swedish." The guide looked at her and said, "Oh, that's okay. We'll explain it to you afterwards."
The little swedish kid asked his teacher why the days in the summer were so much longer. The teacher answered, "Oh, that's because the heat makes everything expand."
Then there's the one about the swede who brought his binoculars to a funeral where they were going to bury a distant relative of his...
A swede, a norwegian and a dane were arrested in France during the french revolution. They each got to choose which way they would die. The norwegian chose the guillotine, because he saw it as the latest fashion. His head went under, but the blade stopped 1 inch from his neck. The french saw this as a sign from God or something and decided to let him go. The same thing happened to the dane. Then they asked the swede how he wanted to die. "I think I'll die by hanging, that guillotine doesn't work anyway," he said.
A norwegian and a swede were at the movie theatre, and the norwegian bet that the hero would die during the movie. The swede didn't believe him, and they ended up betting 100 Kroner on it. When the movie was over and the hero was dead, the swede began to give the money to the norwegian, but the norwegian interrupted him "I already saw the movie, so I knew he was going to die. Keep the money." The swede replied, "oh, I also saw the movie before, but I didn't think he would be tricked twice."
The Stockholm police got a wanted person report from interpol. With the fax there was a picture of the criminal, from right, left and straight on. Four days later the swedish police sent the following fax to interpol: "We've found the guys on the left and the right, and one of our officers are about to arrest the guy in the middle."
A swede was in a nightclub in New York, dancing with a beautiful woman. He whispered into her ear, "I love you." She smiled and whispered back, "I love you too!" There was a little pause, the swede was thinking, then he whispered, "I love you three."
The following people are the most dangerous in the world. A dane with a load of beer. A brit with the right to strike. A frenchie without a mistress and a swede with a credit card.
A swedish truck driver once got stuck in a tunnel in Norway. Soon a norwegian came by the tunnel and found out that the truck was wedged in with the load stuck against the ceiling. The norwegian suggested that the swede let the air out of the tires. The swede looked angrily at him, "You moron! The truck is stuck up on top."
A norwegian was complaining to a swede about the high price of gas. The swede just responded, "I don't care much about that. I always fill up for 100 kronor anyways."
A swedish student was in a bookstore. "This book will do half the job for you," the clerk said. "Good, I will have two, " the swede replied.
"I wonder what time it is?" one swede asked another. "At least it's not 17.00," the other answered, "because at 17.00 I am supposed to be home, and I am not home now."
A norwegian and a swede were competing to see who could reach furthest out of a window. Quite suddenly the swede won.
In a swedish army camouflage book: "When the soldier is moving through woodland, he's supposed to break off branches and put them on his helmet. When he is moving through cornfields, he's to break off some cornstalks and put them on his helmet. When the soldier is moving through a cabbage field he's supposed to take off his helmet for the best camouflage."
The sale of Vodka has increased dramatically in Sweden during the last year. The reason, they believe, is that they wish to become fluent in Russian.
Two swedes were sitting on a train when it entered a tunnel. They were sitting there in the darkness when suddenly one said, "Oh, how long this tunnel is." His friend then said, "Ah, that's just because we're on the last car of the train."
A norwegian, a dane and a swede was stranded on an desert island. But then they met a good fairy who would grant them one wish each. The norwegian wished himself back to Oslo in Norway, the dane wished himself to Copenhagen in Denmark and suddenly they were both gone. The swede suddenly being alone there on the island wanted to be with his friends so he wished them both back.
A swede called the airline and asked how long it would take for a plane to get from Stockholm to Paris. "Just a moment," the clerk said. "Oh, thank you," the swede replied and hung up.
The swedish Doctor to his patient: "It's very important that you take this medicine exactly 30 minutes before you feel the pain."
Tormund was by the norwegian seaside looking for shrimps. He found a fisherman and he asked him if he had any shrimps. "Yeah, I've got 2 tons of norwegian shrimp and I've got 1 swedish shrimp." Tormund looked quizzically at the fisherman and asked how he could tell the difference between a norwegian and a swedish shrimp. "Easy," the fisherman said. "Just look in front of the ship. There's a shrimp there beating on her chest, whilst she's crying: I am a lobster! I am a lobster!"
Sweden got a 5th place on a cross-country ski contest in Falun/Sweden. The next day the following text was written in the paper, "Again, Sweden did great in cross-country. There had to be 4 foreigners to beat one simple swede."
A swede was travelling on the night-train, but he couldn't find his seat. The conductor asked him if he could approximately remember where it was. "No," the swede said, "all I can remember is that there was a river outside of it."
Old swedish advice for dry skin: "Put some water on the skin, and rub it out."
A swede was reading the phonebook, "Svenson... Svenson.. Svenson.. It's incredible how many phones that guy has."
There was this swedish teacher who was yelling at his class because they were so incredibly lazy, "I wouldn't be surprised if 50% of you flunk this math class," he said. One of the kids put up his hand. "But there aren't that many in this class," he said.
Q: Why isn't there a roof over the lunatic homes in Sweden?
A: Because if they were to build one, they would have to build a roof over all of Sweden.
Q: What is the shortest book in the world called?
A: Swedish geniuses.
Q: Who is the king of Sweden?
Q: What does it take to convince a swede?
A: Two bananas.
Q: What does a swede call Tarzan's parents?
A: Morzan och Frazan.. (Swedish slang for mother and father)
Q: What do you get if you cross a swede and a gypsy?
A: A car thief who can't drive.
Q: Why do the swedes always walk in the middle of the road?
A: Because they are afraid of the wild flowers by the side of the road.
Q: What is the similarity between swedes and sperm?
A: Only one in a million becomes something.
Q: Why do the swedes cut holes in their umbrellas?
A: Because they want to see when the rain ends.
Q: Why couldn't Jesus have been born in Sweden?
A: It's impossible to find 3 wise men there.
Q: Why do the swedes brush their teeth?
A: Because they don't want the food to get dirty.
Q: Why do swedes bring sand paper with them when they travel in the desert?
A: Because they need a map.
Q: Why do swedes take so long to wash the cellar windows?
A: Because they have to dig a hole for the ladder first.
Q: Why are swedish lighthouses upside down?
A: Because they want to show the submarines the way.
Q: What do you get if you crossbreed a swede with an ape?
A: Another swede.
Q: What happens to the average IQ in Norway and Sweden if a dumb
norwegian moves to Sweden?
A: It increases in both countries.
Q: How do you know when you're on the Swedish side of the border?
A: Suddenly the cows are better looking than the women.
Q: Why don't the swedes ever write anything on birthday cakes?
A: They can't get them into the typewriter.
Q; How can you spot the swede in a group of Hells Angels?
A: The swede is the one with support wheels on the side of his bike.
Q: What sits in a corner and shrinks?
A: A swede who is licking a cheese-slicer.
Q: What are beautiful women in Sweden called?
Q; How can you tell if there are swedes on an oil rig?
A: They are throwing bread up in the air, trying to feed the choppers.
Q: What is the similarity between drinking a Cola and a swede's laugh?
A: You can't beat the feeling.
Q: What is the greatest swedish invention?
A: The inflatible dart game.
Q: What do the signs on the turnstiles in sweden say?
A: "Høgst fyra varv." (Max. 4 rounds)
Q: What is the penalty for suicide in Sweden?
A: Life in prison.
Q: Why do swedes always drink their milk in the store?
A: Because on the packet it says: OPEN HERE.
Q: Why don't swedes want to sit on the second floor of double-decker buses?
A: Because there's no driver.
Q: Why do swedish grandmothers take birth-control pills?
A: Because they don't want any grand-children.
Q: Why do swedes whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: Why do swedes always bring a ladder to the store?
A: Because the prices are too high.
Q: Why are swedish jokes getting sillier and sillier?
A: Because the swedes have started to make them up themselves.
Q: Why do swedes always bring a car door with them when they travel in the desert?
A: Because if it get's too hot, they can always roll down the window.
Q: Why don't swedes dine out in the winter?
A: Because it's so bloody cold outside.
Q: Why do swedes always have some empty soda bottles in the fridge?
A: In case there's anyone who ain't thirsty.
Q: Why do swedes always go outside when there's lightning?
A: Because they think someone is taking pictures of them.
Q: Why do so many swedish navy personnel drown?
A: Because when the engine stops, they all have to get out and push.
Q: What do you call a beautiful swede?
Q: Why does the Swedish policemen have, on the front of their caps the text "Roxette" written?
A: Because in Great Britain policemen have "Police".
Q: How do you get a one armed Swede out of a tree?
A: Wave to them !
Did you heard about the swedish abortion clinic? - They have a one year waiting list.
Did you hear about the swede who was asked how often he had sex with his wife? - "Almost every day..... almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday..."
Did you hear about the swedish lesbian who was so stupid that she went to bed with a man?
Did you hear about the swede who couldn't eat spaghetti? - He didn't have long enough dishes.
Did you hear about the swede who always drove around with his handbrake on? - He wanted to be ready for an emergency.
Did you hear about the swede who flunked his urine test?
Did you hear about the swede who painted his house so incredibly quickly because he wanted to finish before he ran out of paint?