Pranks, Revenge, and General Mayhem


By THE FIXER (who else?)

In this phile we will deal with fewer pranks than in previous philes, but they will be more complicated and will require more detailed instructions. A NIFTY WAY TO CONFUSE THE HELL OUT OF SOMEONE: Record your enemy's favorite radio station for a few hours. Then, one day, while he is listening to it, attach the output of a tape recorder to the mike input of a FM wireless bug (or AM if you recorded an AM station). Plans for these devices can be found in excellent text files elsewhere. Anyways, get well within the bug's transmission range of the victim's house. Place the recording you made into the tape deck, and (with the bug hooked up) leave it running in a bush or something near the geek's house, for a few hours. When they announce the time, or put on a show that is scheduled for a different time than when the tape is playing, the sucker will wonder what the hell is going on!!! CAVEATS: If the guy's radio is hooked up to cablevision then it will not work, unless you are brazen enough to climb up the guy's wall and attach the RF output of the bug to his cable line. And, for chrissakes, don't do this if it's raining or some retarded time like that when your equipment is likely to get totalled by the elements! Also, ya gotta make sure that the bug is WELL within range of his receiving antenna, or that you use a powerful bug, coz if he hears his station and your bug goin' at once, he will get suspicious. HOW TO FREAK OUT KIDS AND THEIR PARENTS: You know how sometimes kids will hang a rope from a tree and tie knots or a tire into it, to swing on? Well, if they do this in a park, or in their front yard (if they live on a street that is REALLY dark at night), or ANYWHERE that you can get access to it without being seen, you can pull this very simple gag: Take a *SHARP* knife with you, and cut off any tires, or other things that may be dangling from the rope. Make sure to leave as much rope as possible. Now, untie any knots that may be in the rope, and straighten the rope out nice. Now, there should just be a plain rope dangling from a tree. Tie a noose into it. If you want you can "hang" a doll, or a neighbour's cat or something from it. I find just a plain noose to be suitably enigmatic and terror-striking, though. Make sure the noose is at JUST the right height to hang someone from, too, the added realism will only enhance the effect! SLASHED GARBAGE BAGS REVISITED: In another phile by another sadist, it was suggested that you should slash the bottoms of any garbage bags you may find on the curb of a given street. Well, if the bags are sitting on concrete or pavement, then you can do a few other nifty things too. Like Epoxy the bags to the ground. This has the effect of the bags getting ripped to shit as soon as someone tries to pick the bag up with any force (which the average Joe Garbageman will do). Also, you could Krazy Glue a whole bunch of garbage bags together, so when one is picked up, all the others (try to) follow! Another potentially hilarious idea is to include a few bags of your own with your victim's garbage. I am sure that you can think of some suitably embarrassing items to have fall out of a slashed garbage bag... VANDALIZING BANK MACHINES: If you ever get ripped off by a bank machine, there are many ways in which you can exact INSTANT revenge upon that financial institution: First, make sure the machine you are about to toast is not being watched by video cameras. If it is, go to another machine of the same bank that isn't. Now, do the following: - If the supply of deposit envelopes is out in public view, take them all and dump them in the nearest trash can (not the one next to the machine, though...) - If the machine has typewriter-style buttons in its keypad, sand off the painted-on numbers and other figures. If it is a membrane keyboard (like a Merlin game or Timex 1000 micro) then take an X-acto knife and cut out the top layer of the keypad's membrane, with the numbers on them. Throw these in the garbage. Now there is no telling which key does what! - Spraypaint BLACK over the CRT or plasma monitor. - Krazy Glue the money-output door and the deposit-input slot door SHUT. Not only will this prevent further transactions, but it will almost surely cause machanical breakdowns as the innards of the machine try to strain against the Krazy Glue (2000 lbs per square inch!!!) - If you ever get a hold of a "lost" bank machine card and figure out its password (don't ask me how), then DON'T stop at merely withdrawing the entire account. Most bank machine systems are stupid: The Royal Bank, f'rinstance, will instantly credit your account as you make a deposit, and you can access these phunds! It has no idea what is really (or not) inside the envelope you deposit. So, you "deposit" whatever the daily deposit limit is, and then you can promptly CASH WITHDRAW the daily withdrawal limit! This gets the cardholder in a lot of trouble if he has not yet reported the card lost! (if he has it won't work) NUKE THE PROTESTORS!!! There are many ways in which you can put these self-righteous cunts in their place! - Have custom bumper stickers made up reading "I am a Commie Pinko Rat", and place these squarely on the rear bumpers of the cars of known pinkoes. - Break up a "peace march" with spray-cans of "fart spray" or other similarly foul-smelling stuff. Or, alternatively, you can use smoke bombs or tear gas like Real riot squads! (EXCELLENT philes abound on the home manufacture of these substances) - Go to a demonstration, and, wearing a ski mask so no-one recognizes you, proudly wave the Soviet flag. The news media eat this sort of thing for breakfast! - Send in a subscription card from Hustler magazine with the name and address of your favorite porno-store bomber! Make sure to indicate "Bill Me." on the card! - Send bomb threats to Women Against Pornography, Pro-life, Pro-choice, Disarmament types, the Communist Party, etcetera. This is also good to to with the 800 numbers of live bible-bangers shows. I once phoned up one of these and promptly told them to fuck off, and hung up (they had just announced that my favorite rock band was possessed by Satan). - If you are mad enough to B&E the office of a protest group, have a field day! Steal anything of value or just throw it in the river. If you see any important-looking papers, steal these and burn 'em later. Or better yet, carefully MODIFY them, and thereby sabotage the entire operations of that group. This is also great for small businesses too, but they are more likely to have some sort of burglar alarm. Well, that's yet another phile of sadistic pleasure for now. Watch for MORE KRAZY GLUE TRICKS coming soon in PRANKS 7!!

-- swift vengeance