The Fixer presents...



This time we concentrate upon revenge, and what tactics best suit the circumstance.

AUTOMOTIVE REVENGE: You have been ripped off by a mechanic: the problem in your car that he supposedly fixed has come back, after only a short while, and he won't cover it by warranty. Solution: Between the hours of 4 and 6 AM, "install" a similar fault into his own car. If it's the transmission, drain all his fluid. If it's the radiator, punch a nice big hole in it. If it's gaskets, apply acid to these so that HIS will fail too. If it's electrical, introduce a few nice shorts in the area that didn't work on your car. Be creative but be discreet! After all, his car is parked right outside his own house! You have noticed that the gasoline from one particular station or chain is causing a lot of knocking or blue smoke or other problems (maybe that's why you went to the above asshole mechanic). You can no longer stand it when you notice that old people are passing you on the freeway at 35 mph! Only one thing to do here: get back at that gas station/chain! Ways to do this: - Place DIRTY motor oil in the windshield washer buckets. - LATE at night when the station is closed, put a few kilos of laundry detergent, sulfuric nitric or hydrochloric acid, sugar or other substance in the underground holding tanks. - LATE at night, run a hose from the nearest water tap (every gas station has one) to an underground gas holding tank. Turn it on and leave, letting water run ALL NIGHT. In the morning there will be water and gas everywhere, and the gas remaining in the tank will be unsaleable. - Use Krazy Glue to sabotage gas pumps.

THE COIN-OP RIPOFF: Everyone gets pissed when a coin operated machine takes their money and fails to deliver the goods. Here are ways in which you can get back at the morons who own these machines and refuse to keep them in some sort of working order. - Take a piece of paper, about 4" x 4", fold until it is the thickness of the coin slot, place this in the coin slot, force it down out of sight with a pocket knife, and chase it with a few drops of Krazy Glue. Result is that the vending company needs a new coin assembly for the machine. - If you can get large amounts of Krazy Glue, place a lot of it down the coin slot by itself. It will (a) freeze the coin mechanism and (b) glue the contents of the coin box together. - If the machine is one of a bank of several machines, get several pieces of paper. Write "OUT OF ORDER" on all of them, and fix them to each of the machines in the row, whether or not they are working. Result: no more business. If you REALLY carry a grudge, you can always place such a sign on EVERY machine owned by the offending company. ESPECIALLY effective in an arcade when you label 40 or 50 machines OUT OF ORDER. If you really get into this practice just for the fun of it, get some letraset and make up a professional-looking OUT OF ORDER sign, complete with a logo of the company you seek to avenge. Make 1.5 million copies of this and have a ball. - If you are ripped off by a pay-phone, call the operator and pretend you are retarded. Ask a lot of questions about why the phone ate your coin and you couldn't make a call, and take FOREVER. And when the operator tries to answer, don't understand. Take about 15 minutes of a Bell employee's (paid) time and you will have cost the phone company way more than their ripoff payphone ever took from you.

RESTAURANT REVENGE: Well, the food sucked. That's a good enough reason to want to exact revenge upon these evil establishments. There are only a few things you can get away with, but they are good. - Vomit. Right there at your table, as loudly as you can. Stick your finger down your throat if necessary, but make sure that by the time you have emptied your stomach, there is a great pool of puke on the floor and everyone in the entire place is looking at you. This will bring about many apologies from the staff of the place, and gross a few patrons out enough that some may make a point of never returning. Hell, if the food's bad enough, you may even get applauded by the patrons! - Surreptitiously place various "ingredients" on salad bar/buffet items. Tabasco sauce in the thousand island dressing will do WONDERS for the place's reputation. - If you REALLY are brave and have a lot of time to burn, get hired as a waiter for that place. When serving people, use a BAD attitude, and when people ask you why you are so rude, mumble something about the place's "employee training program". Or, say that you can't stand to work for such a sleazy operation, and that you will be quitting soon. Make up a few horror stories about what goes on in the kitchen. Sure you will get fired, but you will have succeeded in damaging the place's rep. This is a HIGHLY ADVANCED revenge technique, only use it if you are a good actor and hold a real grudge.

SCHOOL REVENGE: What do teachers and principals do that would warrant revenge? LOTS. They impose unrealistic deadlines for assignments, they militantly enforce preposterous rules and impose punishments that are repugnant to your freedom and dignity. Despite the fact that your parents are paying their salaries, they look down on you as the lowest scum on earth. What can you do? PLENTY. Read on. - Teachers seem to be obsessed with their careers. Therefore, there is no better way of freaking out a teacher than to have his employment threatened. What you can do is send the principal a letter. Allege that the target teacher is a sex offender. There have been so many of these lately that an investigation WILL result if you make the letter convincing enough. Make it anonymous, because you "couldn't face your parents or peers after what you have been subjected to". Make sure the letter is handwritten by a girl accomplice if you are a male; at the high-school age it is not difficult to tell a girl's handwriting from a guy's. In any case, the teacher will have the freakiest period of his career as he is inquisited. - If the target is a REAL tyrant, and you know many people who agree, then you may have an actual case against the person. Have everyone in every one of the target's classes sign a petition demanding the end of the idiot's reign of terror. Despite the fact that you would never rat on a friend, teachers expect you to tell on other students, so give them a taste of their own preaching (????). - Schools often expect you to sit through idiotic presentations on drinking and driving, smoking, drugs, why you should go to church, ad nausaeum. While these may be beneficial to some idiots, your intelligence is insulted by these suckholes-in-action. What do you do? Well, you can sabotage any audio-visual equipment that may be used in the presentation beforehand. If the presentation is being given by an outside group, e.g. the police or MADD, then what you can do is, the day before the presentation, have an older, respectable-sounding accomplice phone the agency and "cancel" it, posing as the principal. They will want to know why and when it can be re-scheduled to, so have some excuses handy. Enough about the teachers and administration. What about your fellow students, not all of whom are your best friends (heh heh heh heh)??? They can be royal pains in the ass too. Some will nark on you, others will beat you up, still others will try to rip you off or make you look like an idiot. What can you do about these moronotrons? - If you have been narked on continuously, get the fink back with the following method: (1) After school, after the geke has left, plant some weed or porno magazines or other contraband in the geke's locker. (2) The next morning, right around the first bell, phone the school and tell them there is a time bomb in one of the lockers. Don't laugh or giggle, they will know if you are full of shit. Anyways, there will immediately be a search of ALL lockers, and when Mr Dickhead's locker is looked at, he will have a LOT of explaining to do... - If you are intimidated by a bully or gang at school, place small bombs in their lockers, activated by a switch that is closed when the locker opens... At first this will only make them mad but if you do it enough times, you are guaranteed to turn the tables of terror on them.

WARRANTY FAILURE REVENGE: OK, you have bought a product and either it blew up ONE day after the warranty expired or it developed a problem not covered by the warranty. In either case you are screwed while the assholes that sold you the piece of shit laugh all the way to the bank. What contingencies exist for this quandry? - If you bought it from a store, the appropriate thing to do is give the store a whole lot of warranty returns. This involves subtly sabotaging shelf stock, with Krazy Glue, a pocket knife, or whatever tools are on hand. Make sure that the damage you is internal or not noticeable so that someone buys the thing. Do this to many units of the same item, and all throughout the store. The returns department (the one that screwed you around in the first place) will have a nightmare. - Another tactic is to write a letter to the editor of your local newspaper. Explain to the public what happened and why you will never give that store your business again. This will cost you nothing, and the paper will most likely print it. This is perfectly legal, and as long as you tell the truth, you cannot be sued for defamation of character or libel. - If you got the heap of shit from a mail-order fly-by-nite outfit, then there is no way you can sabotage their stock, and a letter in the local paper won't do much to them if they are an out of town place. So you screw them through their main marketing medium: the mail! If you have read the articles on credit card fraud, you will already be prepared for this next technique: Using a phony credit card number (or a stolen one) order a whole lot of things by phone, all in separate orders, and all to different NON-EXISTENT ADDRESSES. Keep this up for awhile and they will surely go bonkers over all the "Returned to Sender" packages they get. - Alternatively, if you are a phreak, pick THEIR 800 number to hack the wats extender from. - Or get a bunch of friends together and tie up their 800 lines with phony orders (using "carding" techniques of course). - Send the company a few letters saying how well their company has gone over in the Gay Community in your area, and to expect lots of orders and endorsements (hee hee hee hee) from your fellow gays and the following Gay Pride groups (list a few from the San Francisco yellow pages...). Or, if you don't think fags will be repulsive enough to Ripoff Mail Order Inc., then send a similar letter from the Nazis or the Ku Klux Klan or the Communist party, along the same lines. If you decide to send several to the same place at the same time, make sure the cities in the return address are all different.

Well, that pretty much brings to a close this installment of the Pranks series. Watch for Pranks TEN coming soon!

-- swift vengeance